The Do’s and Don’ts of Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day (Without Getting Banned from Your Local Bar)

St. Patrick’s Day is a magical holiday. It’s the one day of the year where everyone suddenly becomes 6% Irish, green beer is considered a beverage group, and wearing a shirt that says “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” feels like a reasonable fashion choice.

But like all great traditions that involve large quantities of day drinking, there are rules. Not official rules. More like guidelines that prevent you from waking up the next morning wondering why your phone is full of blurry selfies with strangers dressed like leprechauns.

So in the spirit of good decisions (or at least less bad ones), here are the official Do’s and Don’ts of celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.

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DO: Start Early

This is not amateur hour. St. Patrick’s Day is a marathon, not a sprint. The professionals know the day starts somewhere between 9 a.m. and “we technically haven’t gone to bed yet.”

There’s something special about ordering your first beer while the sun is still confused about whether it should even be awake. Brunch beers. Patio beers. “It’s St. Patrick’s Day so it doesn’t count” beers.

Embrace it.

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DON’T: Pretend You Like Green Beer

Let’s be honest with ourselves. Green beer is just regular beer that looks like it lost a bet.

No one is drinking it because it tastes good. You’re drinking it because it’s festive and because the bartender dumped what appears to be highlighter ink into a light lager.

Accept the situation. Take the Instagram photo. Move on to something stronger.

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DO: Wear Something Green

This is the one day a year where dressing like a walking shamrock is socially acceptable.

Green hats. Green sunglasses. Green beads. A shirt that says something mildly inappropriate involving luck and alcohol.

The goal is simple: look like you got dressed inside a Party City clearance bin.

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DON’T: Be the Guy Who’s Too Irish

We all know this person. Suddenly they’re explaining their family heritage like they personally grew up in Dublin, even though their ancestry test said they were Irish, German, Italian, and “somehow also Scandinavian.”

Relax. Everyone’s Irish today. No need to deliver a genealogy lecture between rounds of Guinness.

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DO: Pace Yourself

A critical but often ignored strategy.

Hydration is key. For every three drinks, consider drinking a water. Or at least thinking about drinking a water.

Your future self—the one waking up tomorrow wondering why their bank account says they ordered late-night mozzarella sticks three separate times—will thank you.

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DON’T: Attempt Irish Dancing

At some point in the night, someone will suggest Irish dancing.

You will think, “How hard could it be?”

Very hard.

Unless you trained professionally or grew up in a household where fiddles played during dinner, this will end with you looking like you’re trying to stomp out invisible spiders on the dance floor.

Just clap along.

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DO: End the Night with Food

This is the golden rule of any drinking holiday.

Pizza. Burgers. Questionable food truck tacos. Something greasy enough to convince your stomach that today wasn’t a complete mistake.

Food is the difference between waking up tomorrow like a functioning human and waking up feeling like you were hit by a parade float.

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DON’T: Make Plans for the Next Morning

This might be the most important rule of all.

Do not schedule brunch.

Do not volunteer for a workout class.

Do not promise anyone you’ll “definitely be productive tomorrow.”

Tomorrow is for recovery, sports on the couch, and quietly questioning your life choices.

Just like the Irish probably intended. 🍀